I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
