Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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