Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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