I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
