i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
