i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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