and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Success! We fucked roommates!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
