I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
