Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
