I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
