I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A+ Viking dick
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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