Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
