I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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