then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
