hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
