Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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