They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
