Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
