last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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