I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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