I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize