If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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