There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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