Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
