if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize