All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
