I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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