I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
