My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
