You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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