someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
