Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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