He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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