he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
