my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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