awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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