When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
