god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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