cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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