i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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