Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
