If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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