he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
