Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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