I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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