Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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