this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
