I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
