I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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