Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
