Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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