She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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