My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She needs sedatives and a leash
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
