do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
