Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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