Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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