You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
