I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
