I puked a lego.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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