He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I love you.
Bad choice
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
