The maid of honor just puked.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have aggressive nipples.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
