She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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