I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
