see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
